Week Seventeen: Amanda Kasper

If your life had a soundtrack, what five songs would be on it, and why.

We cling to music, to quotes, to writing,

because we desperately don’t want to be alone.

We want to know we aren’t going crazy

& that someone else knows exactly how we’re feeling.

We want someone to explain the things we can’t.

We love everything tied up neatly, easy, simple

& when we cant do that…

it scares the hell out of us.

~Unknown

My answer to this question can change, from week to week and month to month, but the theme will always be the same. My soundtrack will always have the same components: songs that make me feel, find, or exude comfort, safety, ambition, determination, confidence.

Today, my soundtrack would be comprised of:

Be Still ~ The Fray

Through some of my hardest moments this year, through the times in which I felt so alone – I listened to this song on repeat. Over and over and over again the nights I stayed in the hospital, the nights where sleep was elusive; the days I sat on the floor of the shower alone; the moments I spent curled up in the fetal position, wondering how anyone before me, anyone after me, anyone during me could get through moments like this. It’s the song I found comfort in. The song I offer you, to promise you’re never never alone.

I’m Gonna Fly ~ Amy Grant

Nine years ago, I heard this song for the very first time. It was played on the piano, and sung by a really good friend of mine. It’s associated with such positive memories for me, and listening to it always finds a way, no matter how tiny, to pick up my spirits. I feel safe by the sounds of the music and by the emotional ties I have to it. In its words, in it’s hopes for new days and bigger dreams – I share with you a little bit of safety before you fly.

I Run For Life ~ Melissa Ethridge

These past few years, my body, my mind and my heart haven’t often been my own. But in moments of clarity, I’ve still felt the ambition that once grounded my every move. “If you ask her why she’s still running, she’ll say it makes her complete”. This song has always kept me grounded. It’s always reminded me to keep moving, even when I couldn’t physically, or didn’t want to mentally. In my eyes, ambition is very different than hope. At a lot of moments, I have been without hope. But in the very core of my being, I’ve never been without ambition. I’ve never been without this song.

Titanium ~ David Guetta Ft. Sia

Although this one’s newer, it began resonating within me the moment it came out. So much about life, no matter what the situation – a relationship, a friendship, an illness – it makes us recoil. It makes us feel shattered. Small. It’s the rebuilding, a phase I’m trying hard to flirt with (note: enter) these days, that is harder than anything we survived before it. The determination in being stone hard, bullet proof, it’s possibly more drastic than any of us will achieve. But is it admirable? Absolutely. Is it something to reach for? Without a doubt.

What Makes You Beautiful ~ One Direction

Too often in our lives, we don’t have other people reminding us of just how beautiful we are, inside and out. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m terrible about doing this. In a body that has suffered and faced dramatic changes recently, I still have trouble recognizing myself when I pass a mirror. But there are more days now than have been for a long time that I feel beautiful in my heart. And when I don’t, I play this song.

________

Amanda Kasper is a writer, reader, quote lover, CASA advocate, and non-profit believer, seeking space as a lifelong learner, passionate lover, and irreplaceable friend. Amanda tweets at @AKasper513 and blogs over at “& this I believe”

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