Week Forty-nine: Amanda Kasper

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Write about about a time when a relationship ended

but for real, how fantastic is this?

“There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying.” 

…Sarah Dessen

Have you ever experienced a moment, or an hour, or several hours in which you physically feel frozen within an experience? Maybe you cannot leave the routine you are amidst of, the location in which you are at, the clothes that you are wearing, or the music in your headphones.

I am there. Here, really. Sitting in a Starbucks that is not my own, reading and rereading a series of things that have both sparked and required conversation, thought, feeling and emotion. I feel paralyzed. I look at the door, and to the clock. It’s 8pm. I have not eaten yet. Yet, getting up, packing up, walking back out to the parking lot, driving all the way home – it feels so much bigger than I am. It feels impossible.

So instead, I opened this blog. I started to write the only way I knew how to, eyes closed, fingers gliding across the keyboard, not writing from my brain, just my heart. Not thinking, just feeling. Nothing is going to make sense, but I think that’s the point. I think I have never really done a good job at allowing myself to stop and feel without thinking a hundred miles an hour, without pressuring my thoughts to follow a certain process or fit within an adequate framework. I want it neat. I want it tied up with a bow. But this, is foreign. It’s… overwhelming. I feel cold.

I’m learning. I’m growing. It’s time to start new. I’m so ready to embrace the beautiful.

& with that, I share the most perfect words I didn’t write, but feel intently…

On our journey, we meet many souls with whom we interact, exchange energy, in a way that enhances our growth and theirs. We learn lessons together. We break bread. We share love. But other often comes a time to say goodbye. 

what matters is how we handle our goodbyes.

We can do it with our hearts open, saying thank you for all we’ve learned, or we can close our hearts and bitterly say we’ve lost again. We can say goodbye with an attitude of trust, faith and love, believing our hearts led us together, for the time we were close, to celebrate life and further our journeys. Or we can do it with harsh judgment, asking what’s wrong with us, why our paths didn’t let us stay together. We can say goodbye with our hearts open, feeling our sadness, our longing, and our joy. Or we can say goodbye with emotions walled off, saying that’s just the way life is. 

sometimes it’s hard to say goodbye. 

we can’t always choose timing, 

but we can choose the words (& ways) of our heart

~Molly Lynne Surdyk

I am choosing instead of focusing on the goodbye, to concentrate on the myriad of hello’s yet to come. I’m choosing to open my heart. I’m choosing to close my computer, to pack my back, and to head home. I’m choosing to nurture myself.

What are you choosing?

____________________

Amanda Kasper is a writer, reader, quote lover, CASA advocate, and non-profit believer, seeking space as a lifelong learner, passionate lover, and irreplaceable friend. Amanda tweets at @AKasper513 and blogs over at “& this I believe”

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